Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
