DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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