We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
