Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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