I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
