I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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