I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
