a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
that's an acceptable place to lick
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
