Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
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I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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