You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
