I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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