you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
