just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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