I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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