home. puking in laundry basket.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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