There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
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