It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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