i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
