Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
