I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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