I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
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Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
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Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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