i used baking grease as lip gloss
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
