no, he came in my armpit
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
