I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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