Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
