his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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