was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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