glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I showed him my bush... on skype.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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