he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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