Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
