My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
