my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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