its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
