This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
