Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I can't put those talents on a resume
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
