I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
