Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
