I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
