I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize