I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
there is another microwave in the elevator.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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