Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
