I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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