lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
