i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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