Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
