So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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