This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
