I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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