It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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