I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
