i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
