I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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