My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
