I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Randomize
