dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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