I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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