I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I believe in your delicious
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
