he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
