I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
