oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
