Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
