He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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