the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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