Please, let me fuck your mom
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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