phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
