It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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