peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
