I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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