Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
