We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I have post one night stand depression
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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